I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
