I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
