yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
