People in love make me want to vomit
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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