there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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