It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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