Dude my mom stole all your condoms
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
