Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
