I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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