I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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