remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
