Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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