I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
