After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
