If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i love accidental penises.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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