Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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