My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
please come you make the beer taste better
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
