I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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