i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
