my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
