Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize