Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
