Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
