I smell stomach acid.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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