I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
