well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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