Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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