I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
