someone threw a dead crab at me
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
