Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
