just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
