You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize