You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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