chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Randomize
