I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Randomize