my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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