I like to think it a success when the cops are called
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
