No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
