____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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