he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
this boner is exhausting
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
