Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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