good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
