why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
