She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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