When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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