In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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