i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
