His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
