I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
