I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
