the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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