halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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