he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
