I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
