my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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