Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Randomize
