this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
