apparently the secret to your success is patron
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
