it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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