Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
