you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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